8.21.2005

everyone's doing the taradise!

have any of you seen taradise? this is tara reid taking over brooke burke's old spot at wild on on the e! channel. a far cry from the original travel show that wild on was before, now the the show is completely wheels off. the show i saw had tara in greece with paris hilton and her fiancee, and the show consisted of 5 different elements.

element #1 - a completely blitzed tara reid club hopping, while hooking up with random greek guys. this segment far and away takes up the majority of the air time, and let me tell you, it's just plain embarrasing. she reminds me of the sorority girl that no one really know how she got in the sorority in the first place.

element #2 - a completely hung over tara reid overusing superlatives to describe everything. "the restuarant was absolutely amazing." "the club was the most incredible fun i've ever had." "the island is completely gorgeous." "i kiss paris hilton's ass better than everyone." "my boob job is the worstest ever." you get the picture.

element #3 - random "friend"/publicist saying over and over how tara's a great person and how the public has tara all wrong. for some reason, the show thought it necesary to point out that this random person was incubus' manager. as if that gives her some kind of indie street cred? anyways, i'm guessing that part of tara's deal was that there would always be a publicity flack trying to make it seem like tara reid is not a complete alcoholic.

element #4 - tara reid, her crew, and locals running around in bikinis. this is far and away the most disappointing part of the show. for those of you who remember, not only did the original wild on have brooke burke looking generally hot, it made it a point to find the hottest woman in the club/beach/resort/strip club and not only did they show her shaking her money maker, but then they would import playmates, beefcakes, and other hot people to help do the show. i'm afraid that between tara's lipo scars and her flunkee tri-delt crew, the hotness factor of this show has fallen off dramatically.

element #5 - this is really part of element #1, but it is so great that it deserves it's own mention here. tara reid dancing. bill simmons describes it as "lurching around like a marlin," which is a fair description. i liken it more to a sea lion at sea world clapping, or a retarded kid watching barney. anyways, one of my favorite blogs, defamer, dubbed tom cruise's couch dance on oprah "doing the cruise". the title of this post is homage to that genius bit of comedy. anyways, i'm going to go ahead and rip off defamer and dub tara's new dancing style, sure to be sweeping the world's hottest clubs, "the taradise". here is a quick illustrated primer on how to do this dance.

step 1 - ready position.

while smiling awkwardly, as if you aren't sure you are cool enough to be hanging out with people this rich, stand at a slight angle, as if you are on your 4th mai tai, upper arms pressed to your side and forearms extended as if trying to describe the size of the fish that got away.

step 2 - the oversway

sway in the opposite direction that you started at, overcompensating for the fact that you are blottoed, and stop at an angle that is 10 degrees more than your original starting position. they key here is to use a jerking motion when you sway intstead of the usual fluid swaying that you might do when doing other dances. also, if possible, time the sway so that it is not in time with music

step 3 - clap like your pants are on fire!

clap your hands once, and look around for someone to acknowledge the fact that your fake boobs look great tonight. again, jerking motion and clapping not on the beat is the preferred method.

step 4 - recalibration

now this is the key move in the dance. instead of moving in a circle or changing the angle of the direction you are facing like you would normally do when dancing, move laterally, as if you were staggering...perhaps staggering drunk is a better descriptor.

step 5 - refueling

do another shot.

step 6 - repeat until no one ever even considers casting you in a major studio production.


there you go kids, one simple dance that shows everyone that you're not as crazy as natasha lyonne, but at the same time still making everyone uncomfortable with your apparent problem with alcohol.

i miss brooke burke.

p.s. with lyonne, courtney love, and eminem all in rehab, i think that mark burnett ought produce a reality show where all three of them get moved into the same hospital ward. give me a call mark, we can make this happen.

p.p.s. thanks to yama g for the inspiration for this post.

2 comments:

Concerned boozer said...

I have just one question. What did you shoot?

Bob said...

kerosene and WD-40, i call it the "flamboyant flamer".