11.28.2005

michael irvin can't resist crack!

the playmaker got in trouble again over the holiday when he some drug paraphenalia was discovered in number 88's car on a routine traffic stop. there's all sorts of spin coming out of the irvin camp, but here are my observations.

1) michael's first mistake was driving in the first place. according to the article, the reason he was pulled over was because he had an outstanding parking ticket. and then once you get pulled over, who knows what kind of chicanery the sucka-pigs are gonna end up pulling on you. no when you're that famous or if you have that much money, you should have someone else driving for you at all times. nothing good can ever result from a celebrity driving. it's like the 1AM rule. if you're a celebrity, you should never stay out past 1AM, because nothing ever good happens after 1AM. you never hear of celebrities saving lives at 2:30AM or discovering the cure to cancer at 3:00AM. nosiree, after 1AM it's only drug busts and she-male prostitutes. same thing with celebirties driving, nothing good can come of it.

2) irvin is a genius for his excuse. in the article it says that he claiming that the drug paraphenelia actually belongs to a friend of his who was at his house for thanksgiving, who coincidentally is a recovering addict. not that i really believe him. i mean, if you're a crack addict, it's not like you're just going to shove your crack pipe in your back pocket and it's just gonna fall out of your pants in the michael irvin's car. no that doesn't make any sense. most likely scenario is that mike is hitting the pipe again. anyways, it's still a genius defense because it turns him from a drug monster into the one that is fighting drugs.

3) the really funny thing is, for fans like myself, we actually prefer the drug addled problem child version of michael irvin. it's like in the nineties when the cowboys were unstoppable, the attitude was so badass. it was like, we're the best godammed team in football, and we can do whatever we want whenever we want, cuz we're that badass. yeah, i, as a lifelong dallas cowboys fan, only have fond memories of cocaine mike.

4) this almost certainly torpedoes michael's chances of getting into the hall of fame. not that the hall of fame was likely to induct him this year anyway (troy aikman and rayfield wright seem to be good bets this season, no way they were going to induct three cowboys in the same year), but now stodgy selectors who hold this kind of shit against players will have an excuse. i know, i know, lawrence taylor...but the difference is that lawrence taylor was the best to ever play his poistion, some even argued the greatest football player ever period. irvin is at best a top 15-20 receiver. in short, the chances of michael irvin getting into the hall of fame are a...wait for it...wait for it...a pipe dream. ROCK ME!!!!!*

5) actually, the way i see it, the fact that a player is addicted to hard drugs should only enhance his candidacy into the hall of fame. think about it, we're not talking about performance enhancing drugs. cocaine doesn't make you a better player. if anything it presents more obstacles to being a good player. anyone can think of a situation where potential was unfulfilled because of addiction. and if someone can still kick ass in spite of this large obstacle, then it only shows how great they truly were. i say, you should get bonus points for doing hard drugs.

* for those of you who don't listen to KTCK, the phrase "rock me" is what is uttered after someone knowlingly utters a ridiculously bad pun.

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